That's a lot harder than finding a drug to treat high blood pressure! When PPS rears its ugly head, some relatives stop being nice to you when you stop doing what you've always done for them. I call those folks "Vampire Relatives"--people who want you to meet their needs regardless of how you feel, physically or emotionally. Some polio survivors try to make Vampire Relatives understand PPS, if not help. Many polio survivors continue to meet relatives' needs and thereby trigger more PPS symptoms. There's only one solution for "deaf" Vampire Relatives who deny PPS are real and refuse to listen to your needs and call you lazy, crazy or selfish because you're not meeting their needs: divorce.

There are three types.

First is "silent divorce." "Silent" means you don't announce it. You just don't answer Vampire Relatives' phone calls, or you use the answering machine to take calls when and if you want to. If relatives show up at your door, you don't answer it. When relatives ask why you're no longer responding to the bell like Pavlov's dog, you just say, "My doctor told me to rest. I was resting." There is tremendous power and savings in emotional energy in repeating a brief statement like, "My doctor told me to rest," without having to come up with different answers to Vampires' inevitable questions, like "Why have you become so selfish?" and the ever popular "Why don't you love me anymore?"

Sometimes Vampire Relatives respond to silent divorce and stop making demands of you. More likely, relatives will complain more loudly that you're not meeting their needs. If that happens, there's "conditional divorce." If relatives refuse to even acknowledge your needs, you can simply say, "Until you understand that I have needs, I can't talk to or be with you." When they ask "why," you just repeat that statement. Where's the "conditional" part? Conditional is the "until." You don't allow Vampires back into your life until they acknowledge and meet your needs.

For conditional divorce to work, you have to be patient. Really patient. Vampire Relatives are used to decades of having their needs met and ignoring yours. A few weeks (or months) of separation may not change your relatives' behavior. And during the divorce you will likely feel whopping guilt that will push you to end the divorce. After all, guilt is what made you take care of Vampires in the first place. The only way divorce can work is by staring down the guilt and staying away from your Vampire Relatives ... "until." But, if "until" never comes, there's only one other option: "permanent divorce."

When Vampire Relatives show that they are never going to acknowledge your needs, you need to cut them off. Whether you tell them or not, permanent divorce means you never again answer phone calls, the doorbell, letters or queries sent by other relatives. For your own good, you "finalize" the divorce.

Does divorcing relatives work? I have worked with a number of people who divorced a relative, usually their mother. Their guilt was huge at first. But, eventually, so was the relief of not having to take a dozen phone calls a day or meeting others' demands. I have never seen people with PPS so relieved and so proud of themselves as when the guilt burned away and they were free of the Vampires.

And here's an amazing fact. All but one Vampire Relative eventually acknowledged the needs of the person I was working with, although it sometimes took years for relatives to come around. Yes, relatives did backslide and tried to resume their Vampire ways. But a simple, "I divorced you once, I'll divorce you again," reminded the Vampire that they meant business--and Vampire behavior stopped again.

I can't guarantee that Vampire Relatives will respond to any type of divorce. And I know it's hard to divorce relatives, even if they are Vampires. You think you can't live without them. But, ultimately, there is only one person you can't live without: you. Happy Holidays!